North Texas Daily

OPINION

Being a child of the ‘90s, I feel as though I’ve developed a unique palate. There are some things sold on the snack aisle that no sane person should find edible, but I can’t get enough.

For instance, yogurt in a tube! It’s delicious and convenient. So what if it’s blue and kind of tastes like grout? Ten-year-old me loved it. Coincidentally, so does 21-year-old me.

Kangaroo-shaped graham crackers to be dipped in months-old funfetti icing? Yes. Send it this way, but there’s one childhood staple that irks me.

Capri Sun. Yeah, I went there.

I’m not saying I have a problem with how it tastes. It’s fruit juice infused with enough sugar to kill Wilfred Brimley five times over. How can you go wrong?

With size! That’s how.

Everyone’s been in the situation. You ask to have a delicious-looking silvery pouch of Pacific Cooler to suppress the heat. You tear the straw from its infuriatingly closely wrapped plastic sleeve. The straw punctures the tiny perforated hole with an oddly sexual satisfaction, and you take that first, cool drink.

Then it’s gone. Just like that. Your entire delicious juice pouch has just disappeared in a matter of seconds.
You took one gulp! Maybe two gulps, if you have a tiny mouth or something. And you’re left with a sad, empty fist full of laminated aluminum and polyethylene.

I knew I couldn’t have been the only person to experience this nonsense, and the Internet confirmed it.

A quick trip to “The Google” informs us that our favorite juice at one time came in a large, 11.25-ounce pouch option that was discontinued in 2006. Kraft manufacturing doesn’t explain why it stopped manufacturing “the big pouch,” but I can assume it’s because the communists won.

And they’re still winning! Due to downsizing, the 6.75-ounce pouch we know and love was reduced to a measly 6 ounces here in the U.S.
That’s not to say I don’t keep it stocked in my fridge. I’m in college; it costs a dollar and seventy-seven cents for a 10-pack. Plus, it comes in a variety of delicious “fruit” flavors.

All I’m saying is bring back the big pouch. As an American, I have the right to over-indulge. I’m almost positive it’s in the Constitution.

Ian Jacoby is a journalism junior. He can be reached at isjacoby@yahoo.com.