North Texas Daily

It’s a better day with a bidet

It’s a better day with a bidet

March 27
13:30 2018

You are watching your cousin’s newborn because you are a kind soul, always willing to help wherever opportunity presents itself. Sullen and with a stupid smirk on your face, you tune the television to “The Bachelor” after placing the sleeping baby in its crib.

The smell is overwhelming, demanding your immediate attention and forming tears in the corners of your eyes.

No, the quality of the show you have chosen to “enjoy” has not manifested itself in the form of a scent.

It’s the baby.

You pick up the recently awakened child and begin changing its diaper. Once the job is done, you discover that some of the child’s excrement has found its way to the back of your hand.

You panic. It has to go.

But you do not simply reach over to the cloth on your right or the baby wipes on your left. Rather, you walk over to the kitchen sink and wash the filth from your hands.

Likely, you aren’t questioning the conclusion that you have come to in the above hypothetical: It only makes sense that you would wash the poo off of your hands at the sink, specifically with water.

Why is this not the case with our own bums?

Every day (at least it should be every day, but I’m not here to judge), we Americans do our business and “clean ourselves” with dry, powdery paper without taking even a moment to question why this is the method we have resolved to employ. Even now I am experiencing an internal battle between accepted convention and rationality that suggests I clean my body with water.

All over the world, however, evidently more thoughtful people sit down to their business, completing their bathroom visit with a thorough wash by use of a bidet.

For anyone unfamiliar with bidets, they are simply toilet bowls with streams of water that spray your excretory anatomy with water, cleaning it after you have taken care of your business — sometimes they are even equipped with dryers.

Bidets are not new in any way. In fact, they first make an appearance in the 17th century, conveying to me that, for once, we are the ones who have fallen behind technologically.  It is not clear why America has shunned the bidet, but the fact is we need to reconsider our thoughts about them.

Why bidets, though?

To state the obvious, it is undeniably more sanitary. No hands are needed in the process, removing any need to place hands where they are not needed — if you know what I mean.

Studies have found that the average toilet uses about four gallons of water for every flush, whereas a bidet uses only an eighth of a gallon of water per use. Using bidets would not only ensure a cleaner bathroom experience, but it would significantly reduce your water bill over time.

What about toilet paper? Well, environmentalists, you will be elated to learn that bidets significantly cut down on paper consumption. The same studies above found that making just one roll of toilet paper requires an average of 37 gallons of water. And, just to take advantage of an experience we have all shared, no toilet paper means no inconvenient toilet clogs and uncomfortable visits from your local plumber.

I have long held this belief that water is superior to dry paper when it comes to fecal matters. Not long ago my wonderful girlfriend, Bethany was sweet enough to buy me a bidet after we had listened to an episode of Stuff You Should Know — a podcast everyone should listen to. She was so excited to give it to me that she could barely hold her own secret until she handed me the gift. It was a fantastic and thoughtful gift, and it leads me to my last point:

They are incredibly cheap. You can buy an attachment for your current toilet on Amazon for as little as $30, or you can buy a full bidet for as much as $3,000.

Clean yourself more thoroughly! Stop leaving behind unwanted paper after an unsatisfying clean!

Buy a bidet, because it is a better day with a bidet.

Featured Image: Illustration by Austin Banzon

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