North Texas Daily

New poll reveals American weirdness

New poll reveals American weirdness

April 03
21:49 2013

This just in: America is far more paranoid than we thought. At least that’s the impression we’re getting after reading the results of a survey released this week by opinion polling organization Public Policy Polling.

The subject of the poll? Conspiracy theories. The results? Surprising, to say the least. Thirty-seven percent of voters think global warming is a hoax, 7 percent think we never walked on the moon, 14 percent believe in Bigfoot, and 13 percent think President Obama is the Antichrist.

No, really. We’re glad the President is a whopping one point more popular than some mystical ape-man, but this anti-Christ business doesn’t smell right. So we cracked open a Bible and did a little research of our own.

Apparently the Antichrist is prophesied to unite the nations of the world under his control before ushering in the apocalypse. That’s great and all, but considering that President Obama can’t even make the U.S. Congress get along, we’re thinking it’s kind of a long shot.

Speaking of uniting the world, a full 28 percent of voters believe that a “secretive power elite with a globalist agenda is conspiring to eventually rule the world through an authoritarian world government, or New World Order.”

We’re almost cool with this one, since the idea of a globally united government reminds us of the United Federation of Planets from the “Star Trek” universe. But really, does anyone actually think this is happening anytime soon?

Imagine the planetary senate meetings—North and South Korea would have to sit on opposite sides of the table with the U.S. awkwardly stuck between them like an overzealous chaperone at middle school prom, except everyone has nukes.

We’re not holding our breath, anyway. But wait, there’s more: A whole 4 percent of voters indicated a belief  that society and politics are manipulated from the shadows by “shape-shifting reptilian people,” who masquerade as humans and walk among us aquiring positions of power.

Four percent of the U.S. population is 12.5 million people, so we’re hoping Public Policy Polling used a tiny and horribly unscientific sample size that doesn’t accurately reflect this conspiracy theory’s prevalence in society.

Otherwise, we’re going to start asking our friends if they’ve seen any lizards lately.

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