North Texas Daily

At 12:01 a.m. on Nov. 1, there are two types of people in this world: those who will wait patiently for Thanksgiving to pass before playing Christmas music, and those who are wrong.

These morally egregious people pay no mind to the fact that November has its own holiday. They offend the very existence of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. They spit in the face of those who wake up early and cook a turkey all afternoon.

The world doesn’t need two months of Christmas celebrations. What makes the holiday so exciting and unique is its rarity from other holidays.

Sure, it’s arguably the only holiday with decently themed music, but playing carols for two months straight is overkill.

You can’t actually appreciate Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” for two months. This premature listening only leads to bitterness by the second week of November. By the third “Oooh baby,” you’re ready for some earplugs.

These festive hits need low dosage in order to retain a true holiday spirit. No one wants to hear “Jingle Bells” for eight weeks. On the contrary, if you start listening to Christmas music after Halloween, you can properly prolong your suffering.

People say the holidays don’t feel special anymore, or it doesn’t truly feel like Christmas. Perhaps it’s because you beat your eardrums senseless with sleigh bells and Bing Crosby’s baritone voice the second Daylight Saying ends.

It’s not going to feel like a holiday if you’ve heard the same carols a million times in two months. We become numb to the fact that these songs have any significance at all.

Anything is good in moderation, whether it’s alcohol, video games or a genre of music. Twenty-five days is nearly the perfect amount of time to hear cover after cover of the same song. You don’t get too sick of it and you don’t ruin Christmas.

The Grinch was probably bitter because he had to hear Christmas music on repeat for months at a time. It’s enough to drive anyone to madness.

While it is ridiculously annoying, Christmas music also fuels the dark side of the holiday. Retailers use the cheery tunes to drive a ridiculous amount of sales.

Whether it’s shopping on Black Friday or spending too much money on presents your family doesn’t really need, retailers count on Christmas tunes to get shoppers into a buying mood.

By giving into this capitalist agenda you’re doing exactly what stores want you to. The music is just a tool in their never ending scheme to scam shoppers out of as much money as possible.

In this way, not listening to Christmas music until an acceptable amount of time away from the actual holiday is totally radical.

Fight the power. Do the right thing. Wait until your food coma has subsided before indulging in Christmas music. It’s totally revolutionary and the only way to survive the holidays without wishing you spontaneously lost your sense of hearing.

Featured Illustration: Samuel Wiggins