North Texas Daily

Vetting Donald Trump’s list of potential running mates

Vetting Donald Trump’s list of potential running mates

May 05
03:00 2016

The Editorial Board

Following the Indiana primary on Monday, and the suspended campaigns of Sen. Ted Cruz and Gov. John Kasich, it can now be assumed Donald Trump will clinch the Republican Party’s nomination for President of the United States.

After careful deliberation, the editorial board has compiled a list of suitable vice presidential candidates who could only add to the fruitful conversation the presumptive nominee has accrued over the 10 months his campaign has been on the road. Here is the list:

1) Sarah Palin

An agitator in her own right, the former governor of Alaska added buckets of flavor to the 2008 presidential election as the V.P. pick for Sen. John McCain. If for no other reason than her language appealing to the masses, we could also rest assured that the self-ascribed “maverick” could keep a close eye on the Russians she claims to be able to see from her home.

2)  Mark Cuban

What could be better than a billionaire as president? Try another one on deck! As the owner of the Dallas Mavericks, and a recurring investor on the hit-show “Shark Tank,” we have no doubt Mark Cuban could add legitimacy to some of the shakier claims regarding Trump’s wealth that have followed him since before he decided to run for president. Also, what better way to show the world that the United States is a bastion of democracy than having it led by two reality television stars?

3) Dennis Rodman

This one should already make sense. A close personal friend of Kim Jong-Un, Rodman already has more foreign policy experience under his belt than Donald Trump and could prove essential in repairing the United States’ relationship with North Korea.

4) Rush Limbaugh

What better way to coax some of those who have chosen to flee the GOP back to the party than to have one of its iconic soothsayers at the side of its new leader? No stranger to controversy himself, we think a Trump/Limbaugh ticket could hold the same dynamics of buddy-to-buddy system that we’ve come to know with President Obama and Joe Biden.

5) Kim Davis

“Make America Great Again?” More like “Make America Straight Again!” This powerhouse of theocratic ideals could provide an outreach to the evangelical vote that has plagued Trump for so long and also aid in providing the missing piece to Trump’s campaign: more religion.

6) The Zodiac Killer

After suspending his campaign, the Zodiac Killer will retain his position as a senator in Texas for two more years before he is up for reelection. Though we suspect he might decline in the vein of reigniting his campaign in 2020, we can’t help but imagine the utter calamity that would result in such a ticket as this (though its fun to try).

7) Donald Trump

“Love him or hate him, Donald Trump is a man who is certain about what he wants and sets out to get it, no holds barred.” – Donald Trump about Donald Trump.

8)  Jabba The Hut

Another titan of industry, we suspect that the kingpin of the “Star Wars” universe would be an ideal candidate for the spray-tanned demi-God that is Donald Trump, pre-“Return of the Jedi” of course. If nothing else, they could collaborate on ways to stop the illegal crossing of Wookies into Mos Eisley, and Boba Fett would undoubtedly be one badass Secretary of State.

Note: If Jabba is unavailable, Pizza the Hut from “Spaceballs” will be a fair substitute.

9) Rumplestiltskin

Who knows more about “The Art of the Deal” than this mythical genius? Some have labeled him a villain, but we think he’s just misguided in his attempt to cleanse the land of opportunists and foreigners.

10)  E.B. “The Bubble Man”

A well-known figure on the Denton scene, “The Bubble Man” has been providing “natural herbs” to the residents of Lil’ D for over two decades. We think some of his calming formula, mixed with his clear-headedness strain with a touch of his giggly recipe could be just the prescription to ease some of the wilder things uttered by the presumptive nominee. If nothing else, they could watch movies together in E.B.’s van!

Obviously, the list is subject to whittling down as time goes on, and the field is likely to change, but we think as of the present moment, any one of these choices could only make the current dumpster fire that has been this election season even more interesting. Until that time, you can find us at the bar or speaking with E.B.

Featured Image: Nicholas Friedman | Editor-in-Chief

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